| alone once again |
[Feb. 10th, 2005|11:53 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Well a long time has passed once again. Alot of things have happened. Well I guess once and for all me and James are no more. He decided that he wanted to be with the mother of his baby. That hurt so much. I gave alot to the relationship for 2 years. I was always faithful and I was always loyal. An I always loved him. No matter what he did I never hated him for it. It was just mistakes that he made. You realize everything you need once you lose it all. I know I need to move on for my sake. He will probably never come back to me. Not sure I would want him to. I'm just writing to get all of this out of my system and I chose to write it here because I have no one else. No one will probably ever read this or comment on it but that's ok. I'm used to being ignored and passed over and rejected. God I loved him so much. Why did he have to do this to me? I didn't even get a Valentine's day out of the deal. He couldn't even spend one last Valentine's with me. I thought he loved me... How do you do this to a person you love? He told me he would marry me. Why lead me on? Why not just be honest it hurts a whole lot less. I just don't understand. We had problems but I was trying to change...I thought it was me. I tried to accept the baby. I got close to her. I was going to be there for him no matter what because he told me he needed me. I just want him to know I did love him, I was willing to put up with anything but thank you because through all of this you taught me how to deal with heartbreak and that I need to stand on my own 2 feet and I will never allow anyone to hurt me like that again.
I can't lie awake because all I do is think about him...I can't go to sleep because all I do is dream about him. There is nothing left but death...But even there I know I will still be tortured with thoughts and visions of him.
I must have done something terribly wrong to the universe.......... |
|
|
| S.S.D.D. |
[Nov. 9th, 2004|08:11 pm] |
Long Time, eh?
Well a Whole lot has happenend since the last post. Just recently my boyfriend found out that he is 99.9% positively the father of this other girls baby. The one he cheated on me with. Well we knew for 9 months that it was a possibility but now were sure. The thing I keep asking myself tho is why am i still with him? I'm so confused right now. I have absolutely no idea what I should do or who I should turn to or even who to tell about all this. Like HOW do I tell my parents? Should I even tell them? When do I tell my younger brothers and sister. What will my family think? Should I even stay with him? There are so many questions that I need answered. And maybe I'm asking too much but would it be wrong to have him call me everyday? Is that too much to ask for all that i've been through for him and this relationship. I mean we are not married so maybe I should just give up on it. Because I want and need love too. When do I get my cut? Don't get me wrong... I love James with all of my heart.... but everyone has a limit. Have I reached mine yet? |
|
|
| Long time ago |
[Sep. 6th, 2004|09:24 pm] |
|
It's been awhile, a very long while since I last posted. My life has been so much drama lately. Remember a couple posts back when I said everything was going good so that meant something terrible had to happen. Well it's not a cliche. It happened. My life crumbled from beneath me and I fell into an abyss. No one died or anything (thank God), but life has been hell. Let's just say my lovely BF isn't so lovely after all, at least not with me. He seems to be just loving it up with other people tho. We are trying to work through it but he is making it rather difficult. He doesn't call, never spends time with me. It seems as tho he tries but it goes back to the fact that I think it's not enough. Like today for instance, we were supposed to hang out today but I decided to go with my dad to the movies (since i haven't spent time with my dad in so long) and he had to do something else anyway. SO I told him, actually he told me to call him when I was done and we would still hang out. How am I supposed to tell him im finished if his phone is off? And he hasn't called to check in with me all day. Doesn't he realize we were supposed to spend some time together today and we haven't and maybe I should call my girlfriend and she if she's done with what she had to do so I could come over? No he doesn't. He's probably out right now with his cousins who he told me he wasn't going to spend to much time with or some other girl. It's getting to the point where i'm starting to get the "whatever" feeling. And the "i don't cares" are creeping up too. I just don't know what to do anymore I've tried all I can. It's his turn to take the ball and run with it now. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 3rd, 2004|10:15 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
Well i'm officially a graduate now. Whoo Hoo! Well anyways I'm really lucky cause the day after i graduated i got hired so now i have a degree and a job. Yay me! The pay sux but money is money. So right now life is good. Very good in fact. Everything b/t me and James is going great, my life is getting straightened out, everything is good. It's getting me scared. When things are going great that's when something bad happens. well i hope thats just a cliche cause that would really suck if sumthing like that happened. Well I got my fingers crossed (X) and hopefully my lucky streak will last. (I should hit vegas will the goings good huh?). Got's to go folks buh-bye ;) |
|
|
| Yay for me!!!! |
[May. 1st, 2004|08:34 pm] |
I'm graduating on Sunday guys yay! Yes that tomorrow!!!! And I didnt find out until Friday. Don't ask me how, it just happened. Well i'm graduating with an associates degree in liberal arts. So there's still more to do but I have accomplished something and that's good for me. So i got my robes and everything but i missed rehersal so i have no idea what i'm doing. i guess i'll just follow the crowd as usual. LOL. It was kind of a rush and a scramble to get all of my family members together and i got a stern talking to about procrastination. And i felt kind of bad afterwards because I know i should be doing better and i really have been trying lately, it was just old stuff coming to bite me in the ass. Well i'm off to get ready for my graduation! I'm so excited!!!!!
B.T.W. I'm graduating from Community College (which I could not wait to get out of!) |
|
|
| Excuse the hiatus |
[Apr. 29th, 2004|09:32 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
Sorry I haven't posted in awhile... Just been really hectic around here recently(nobody reads this stuff anyways). I have applied for a few jobs and hopefully I get hired cause I need some money BADLY! It sux not having money when you want it or having to borrow it from somebody else who does nothing but hound you all damn month until you give it back (you people know who i'm talking about!) But anyways life as me has been the usual lately. I'm still having problems with my man, well what I would call problems. Most people would probably say that I have a good guy on my hands, but would you think your guy was so good if the worst thing he did was not call you once in awhile? Yea you probably would. lol. Maybe I am reading too much into things but it seems like to me im not a priority in his life or maybe I feel left behind because he is ALWAYS out having fun and i'm left wondering where he is. It's like he's a secret agent or something. I can never get in contact with him, nobody ever knows where he is, He doesn't tell me where he's going half the time. Everything about him is so hush-hush, it's like i'm with somebody who isn't even there, somebody I made up in my imagination, like George Glass off of the brady bunch. And I have been really treating him like shit lately. I am really fed up. I want it to stop and I don't care what I have to do to stop it. I'm surprised he is putting up with it actually. Maybe he really does love me like he says he does. Here's a letter I wrote to him but am not going to send... ( Titled: Not sick but... )
Love Sucks |
|
|
| What describes you? |
[Apr. 23rd, 2004|10:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  calm | ] |
I got this nifty 'lil personality finder-outer from a post that ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) sirena_lupin made in her journal. Hey I'm a december too!
1. Put your birth month in an entry.
2. Bold the ones that best apply to you.
3. Put all twelve months under a livejournal cut.
---------------------------------------------------
DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself (if by that you mean pushing oneself to be something I can be proud of). Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.
( Read more... ) |
|
|
| Bored outta my mind |
[Apr. 22nd, 2004|11:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bitchy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | sounds of silence | ] |
Well i'm just sitting here doing nothing so I guess i'll update my journal. Basically I'm just watching my brains ooze out of my eye sockets and pretty colors are flying of the walls. Anybody ever had this happen b4? No i'm just joking but I am seriously bored. Something exciting did happen to me about 2 days ago though. Sum bee-otch gonna call my cell phone number asking do I know somebody named James (which is the name of my bf) so i ask the cunt who the f*** she is and that lil' whore gonna tell me not to worry about it. So that's when I got mad. Don't nobody call my phone and tell me not to worry about it. And then she gonna keep calling me back and hanging up. So I called the bitch back and told her and her grimey ass, trick girlfriends off. I still don't know who the ho is or how she got my # but I swear if I ever hear from that pussy again Ima cut somebody on tha real and it won't be looking pretty! |
|
|
| I'm feeling sexy |
[Apr. 15th, 2004|11:33 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  horny | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | CooCoochie- Ricochet | ] |
Well I finally got the chance to talk to my bf just now. I am so happy. I really didn't get the chance to talk to him all day as usual, but he just called me and made me feel all warm inside-lol. I'm supposed to be seeing him tomorrow i hope he can make it down here, but I just know it's gonna be some other excuse why he can't see me. He would be the perfect bf if only he would stop with the excuses and the lies. He makes himself seem so suspicious at times. He lies about the littlest things that make me wonder "well what else is he lying about?" I mean I know deep down inside that he isn't doing anything but I always have my guard up and on the lookout. I have been hurt b4 which I don't want to get into at this moment. Maybe if u guys want to hear about it I'll tell you. Anyways, when i'm with him I am sooooo frickin happy I swear there is a cheesy kool aid smile permanently plastered to my face but there are also times when he disappoints me so much and like I said b4 I know he doesnt mean to do it. It's not purposefully done but it still hurts the same. But I love him so much and I really think I'm gonna marry him. Infact he's talking about getting the ring in the summer some time. I told him to keep it and buy us a car. LOL! Well g2g guys. Have fun reviewing my life!!!!! |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2004|02:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Beyonce- Naughty Girl (it's always on) | ] |
Well I'm Finally awake and ready to start ranting and raving. Like I said b4 I have sum probs that maybe other people out there can relate to. For instance me and my bf have been going thru sum things lately and usually its all gravy but recently we have been having a tough time. I hope he doesnt get mad at me for putting all of the business out there, airing the dirty laundry so to speak, but he is the one great friend I have at the moment and going to him about what's wrong wouldn't do much good here. I mean he is a totally understanding guy and helps me thru alot but I think telling him what bothers me most might just make things worse. Ok here goes... The Easter weekend/spring vacation just passed right and I went to spend the entire weekend with my Grandmother. So I had expected to see him like everyday of the week b/c 4 1) I was going to be bored out of my mind down there for the whole week, 2) my grandmother's house is closer to his house than my house is to his house (confusing no?), and 3) b/c since there was no school I figured he could be free to come and see me. However this was not the case. Isn't that how it goes tho- you get sumthing all planned out and then it just all falls apart. But anyways he decides that he wants to spend the majority of his time with his bro whom he hasn't seen in awhile. So I fall back and say ok... I can understand that and besides I can't act selfish, thats his family, But it ended up being that EVERYTIME I wanted to go out he would have already made other plans and it just pissed me off so much I was ready to end the relationship. Like if any little thing was to go wrong I would have just been like forget it i'm leaving. And for Easter we were supposed to do the whole church thing but the night b4 he got locked out of his house and had to spend the time waiting for his older bro (who he lives wit) at his older bro's gf's job (once again confusing huh?) and didn't get back in until like 7:00 in the morning, which is the time we were supposed to be waking up to leave.
I'm just tired of always having to put my life on hold and wait for him to do things but the truth is he is my life and I would feel guilty going out to have fun w/o him, Y can't he feel the same way about me? |
|
|
| Beginnings |
[Apr. 15th, 2004|12:54 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Beyonce- Naughty Girl | ] |
Finally I managed to get on to livejournal. After many many hours spent trying to get my picture at the correct size only to figure out that all I had to do was one simple thing, I feel almost to tired to write anything. Key word was "almost". This is just a little sumthing to introduce me to you and Y I decided to get a spot on livejournal. The truth is I have problems (who doesn't?) and my friend is not always around to help me with them. Notice I said friend there? Yes I only have one. I used to have alot, I dunno what happened... O well. Maybe Y'all out there can be of sum service. Well it's really late here where I'm at so I g2g, but don't despair...The juicy stuff will start tomorrow... uhh...today. So ttfn! |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
exhausted
dorky